{ 2 } Rewarding My Reward

Like finishing this damn book wont be wont of a reward, I've promised myself a little gift: knuckle tattoos.

I know what you're thinking: What the hell? I've always wanted knuckle tats but have never found any rhyme nor reason to get them. Besides, what would I get? Man's Ruin? Fuck Love? Geek Life? I H8 Space? All very compelling, but not on my knuckles. Plus there's that whole never-get-a-job-again thing.

So how is this a reward to me? Well, I've been working on this book since forever and yet it has not had an ending. This is part of the reason I've been so hesitant to write. I hate not knowing where the story is going. I'd been over and over endings: love conquers all (lame), the world ends (cop out), everything's just okay (further copping out). Then it struck me: FREE WILL. The book is an apocalyptic thriller (might have helped if you knew that) and one of the long-standing philosophical debates is free will versus God's will.

Did I mention I'm an atheist?

Anyway, once the theme of the ending finally smacked me in the face, which was two days ago, I hung a note on my cork board that reads, "How could you forget Free Will?!?" Indeed. Since then I've come to realize that that's been the underlying theme of the book from Day One. I just didn't see it.

My reward upon getting this thing published will be FREE WILL on my knuckles. How could I forget? With a tattoo like that I'm sure to never again. Plus, once I'm a rich and famous writer, who cares about getting another job?

Speaking of, I'm late to work...

{ 1 } Research Loop

I'm doing it again: endless research. Page after page after glorious page. Not that there's anything wrong with that. This is a very specific book and I don't want to mess up or miss any details. The more believable and in-line with previously written texts the better.

But I find doing research is taking away from my actual writing. I'm stuck in this infinite cycle:

• Can't work on the story until outline is written
• Can't write outline until more research is done
• Can't stop doing research; too much to know!
  
• Stop doing research and write already...
• Begin loop again

Every time I touch pen to paper or fingers to keys, I panic. Dear god! I can't write dialogue! I don't know my characters back story! How do they respond to this situation? What implications will this text have further in the book? I need to make an outline! MORE RESEARCH!

At this point, I could write a nonfiction with all the research I've done. But I don't want to do that. I want to write my story. The one that's almost fully hatched in my brain, minus silly little details such as, oh I don't know, the actual story.

I currently have four browser windows open with research material. When those are read through, no more. I should have more then plenty of information. Thankfully, I've been keeping wonderful research notes, so I don't need to worry about cataloging all of that. Then, it's out line time, baby.

Sigh...