{ 6 } Dispair And Desperation

It's almost six in the morning. I browsing Amazon.com, searching for more books to digest that might help my novel. I am being punched by a wicked thought: what if this novel of mine is too big? What if I'm not ready to handle it?

This novel I am writing is to be the one. I've said it time and time again: it's my magnum opus. But what if I'm still too naive as a writer? What if I haven't truly found my voice? What if I fuck up the best thing I am ever supposed to create?

I'm wondering if I shouldn't try to write a less important book first. "The Great Gatsby" wasn't F. Scott Fitzgerald's first. "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" wasn't Mark Twain's first. "As I Lay Dying" wasn't William Faulkner's first. Hell, "The Da Vinci Code" wasn't Dan Brown's first either. Should I try and write something else as my first to find my "writer's legs"?

This all leads me to think about J.K. Rowling and Stephenie Meyer. Their first books were international sensations. Of course, I hate both of them due to their "I just had this idea..." attitude, but could I join their ranks with HOS? I mean, honestly, I just had this idea...

My biggest fear while working on HOS is that it will be poorly received and I will have failed at the one thing I have a true passion for. Do I need to write something else to get my name out there and to make sure I know just what the hell I am doing? Could I even begin another book with all the HOS stuff in my head?

There are so many good books out there that I've never heard of by authors I've never heard of. There are also some really bad books out there by authors I have heard of. I am torn between two worlds: write HOS and hope it's all I know it to be, joining the ranks of Rowling and Meyer, or push something else out there and hope by the time I get to HOS I can be the next Fitzgerald or Faulkner?

Isn't being a writer supposed to be easy?